You are in good company, Juliette. Here's the great Satchmo singing a little African Spiritual Song for you while your fingers bleed from picking cotton for the Massa or 4 the masses so u can stay + in the wild & fierce way animals do when caged or cornered by d-sign. It is not your fault as Robin Williams once spoke b4 he committed suicide. Head 4the Underground Railroad my deer. Harriet T. is waiting 4u there, J:

Nobody knows the trouble I've been through
Nobody knows my sorrow
Nobody knows the trouble I've seen
Glory hallelujah!
Sometimes I'm up, sometimes I'm down
Oh, yes, Lord
Sometimes I'm almost to the ground
Oh, yes, Lord
Although you see me going 'long so
Oh, yes, Lord
I have my trials here below
Oh, yes, Lord
If you get there before I do
Oh, yes, Lord

Tell all-a my friends I'm coming to Heaven!
Oh, yes, Lord

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nobody_Knows_the_Trouble_I%27ve_Seen